Censored Movie Lines to Make You Laugh

Ah, can you smell that? Political correctness is in the air. And while most of our favorite movies are far from being politically correct, some networks feel the need to whitewash more than a few in order to make them “publicly acceptable” for all. In the process, the network producers have come up with a few doozies for replacement lines. Check out the list below courtesy of Scribol.

 

CENSORED MOVIES LINES THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

1. THE BIG LEBOWSKI
Watch THE BIG LEBOWSKI Online Comedy Central broadcast what’s best described as an “Alpine cut” of 1998 Coen brothers comedy, The Big Lebowski. In one memorable scene in the unedited version, John Goodman’s character, Walter Sobchak, demolishes a car with a golf club while screaming, “You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you f**k a stranger in the ass?” But let’s just say the channel went a little off-piste with its replacement, settling on, “You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?” And this is followed by, “You see what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs.” After being poached by clothing manufacturers, the “stranger in the Alps” line now lives on in t-shirt form.
2. AUSTIN POWERS INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
Watch AUSTIN POWERS INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY Online Mike Myers delights with Bond movie clichés in director Jay Roach’s hilarious 1997 spy spoof, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Even characters’ names provide amusing, punning punchlines, notably through Number 2’s “Italian confidential secretary” (Fabiana Udenio), who is introduced as “Alotta, Alotta Fagina.” An obvious riff on “Pussy Galore” – the Bond girl role memorably filled by Honor Blackman in 1964’s Goldfinger – the name was nonetheless deemed too graphic for TV, so versions of Austin Powers broadcast on TBS, Fox and airlines used a different take on the line. The new quip? “Her name is Alotta, Alotta Cleavaga.”
3. HOT FUZZ
Watch HOT FUZZ Online Director Edgar Wright could never be charged with crimes against cinema after taking creative control of a “clean version” of his 2007 police comedy, Hot Fuzz, which was edited for TV and to be shown on airplanes. Cheekily renamed Hot Funk, the cut in question was also added as an extra to the DVD release of the original film. The best, most absurd censored line heard in this revised version? Well, when Paul Freeman’s Reverend Philip Shooter is shot by Nick Frost’s Danny Butterman, he originally yelled, “Jesus Christ!” – but in Hot Funk it’s “Peas and rice!”
4. JACKIE BROWN
Watch JACKIE BROWN Online Well over a hundred f-bombs are dropped in Quentin Tarantino’s 1997 crime drama, Jackie Brown, and more than a few come from the mouth of gunrunner Ordell Robbie, played by Samuel L. Jackson. Robbie motors through classic lines like, “When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherf**ker in the room,” “I bet you need ni**er repellent to keep motherf**kers off your ass” and “Freeze, motherf**ker!” Still, luckily for us, inventive TV censors turned these into, “When you absolutely, positively got to kill every mother’s father in the room,” “I bet you need suck repellent to keep these melon farmers off you, huh?” and the inimitable “Freeze, moldy fingers!”
5. THE USUAL SUSPECT
Watch THE USUAL SUSPECTS Online Bryan Singer’s 1995 crime thriller, The Usual Suspects, features a scene so iconic that it made the promotional poster: the line-up. But apparently nothing is sacred to TV censors. In the undubbed scene, suspects Michael McManus (Stephen Baldwin), Dean Keaton (Gabriel Byrne), Fred Fenster (Benicio del Toro), Todd Hockney (Kevin Pollak) and Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) step forward one at a time to say the line, “Hand me the keys, you f**king c**ksucker.” In the censored version, the dialogue is a little more, well, suspect – namely, “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother.” Even so, McManus of course still ad-libs his words and Fenster still struggles with his.
6. PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
Watch PINEAPPLE EXPRESS Online Imagine a scene where a drug dealer and a pothead get into a quarrel. The insults flying around would probably be pretty unsavory, right? Well, to make them far more palatable you need satellite channel FX on board. Case in point: the theatrical release of 2008 black comedy Pineapple Express, which features an argument between process server Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) and his weed dealer, Saul Silver (James Franco), which ends with Dale declaring, “You’re an asshole.” However, in the censored version of the movie Saul is nothing but a casserole. Perhaps even a baked pineapple casserole.
7. WEIRD SCIENCE
Watch WEIRD SCIENCE Online An ingenious piece of dubbing from the televised edit of John Hughes’ 1985 comedy Weird Science turns a wild high school party into a lame PG-rated gathering. Describing the revelry in question, Kelly LeBrock’s Lisa originally quipped, “Sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, chips, dips, chains, whips. You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, I’m not talking candle wax on their nipples…” In the edited version, though, it’s just, “Love, drinks, rock ‘n’ roll, chips, dips, chicks, pizzas. You know, your basic high school ordinary type of thing. I mean, I’m not talking candle wax on their pimples…”
8. DAZED AND CONFUSED
Watch DAZED AND CONFUSED Online In 1993 Richard Linklater scripted and directed Dazed and Confused, his cult slacker comedy about high school coming to an end – and a film featuring one of cinema’s greatest stoners, Ron Slater (Rory Cochrane). Slater’s quotable dialogue includes calling Martha Washington a “hip, hip, hip lady” and telling his friends, “Let’s go smoke a joint, man. On the 50-f**king-yard line!” Unfortunately, TV audiences never heard the latter, as it was censored into the perplexing, “Let’s go do it Mr. Green Bean-style, on the 50-yard line!” Still, thinking about it, this could quite conceivably be something a blazer might say. Yep, brilliant.
9. DIE HARD 2
Watch DIE HARD 2 Online Classic action sequel Die Hard 2 sees Bruce Willis back as lieutenant John McClane. And as in the first film – and subsequent sequels – McClane’s bad guy-killing catchphrase is “Yippee ki-yay, motherf**ker.” Still, U.S. TV audiences couldn’t possibly hear an incest-related profanity coming from their screens, so the line was downgraded to “Yippee ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.” This might’ve been okay if director Renny Harlin’s 1990 action blockbuster actually featured the aforementioned Mr. Falcon – perhaps he took flight in pre-production – but it didn’t. So what did the censors do? In a move as creative as it was ridiculous, they proceeded to introduce a “Mr. Falcon” by redubbing audio in an earlier scene.
10. BLADE TRINITY
Watch BLADE TRINITY Online When it came to censoring David S. Goyer’s 2004 superhero vampire-killer sequel, Blade: Trinity, the results were pretty toothless. The original cut features the following exchange between Blade’s new ally Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) and vampire Danica Talos (Parker Posey): King: “How about you take a sugar-frosted f**k off the end of my d**k?” Talos: “And how about everyone here not saying the word ‘d**k’ anymore?” The 2009 TNT TV version changed King’s line to, “How about you take a sugar-frosted chum off the end of my hoo-hoo?” Which, predictably, was followed by, “And how about everyone here not saying the word ‘hoo-hoo’ anymore?”

See the whole list at Scribol.

 

Number 4 is my favorite? Which is yours?

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